When it comes to parenting, we hear about plenty of extremes—from the always-hovering helicopter parents to the everything-goes permissive parents. But the “just-right” parenting styles don’t tend to receive as much attention. Still, generations of parents (just ask my own mom!) have proven that maintaining a balance between independence and protective boundaries is the key to a harmonious home.
Kenneth Ginsburg, MD, MSEd, who coined the term “lighthouse parenting,” explains that this kind of secure attachment is at the core of this parenting style, which he further explores in his recent book Lighthouse Parenting: Raising Your Child With Loving Guidance for a Lifelong Bond. “When your child is an infant, you should fully protect them,” he says. “You should bond incredibly deeply. You should give [children] the sense of safety and security that comes with having every single need met. You should attach deeply. As your child begins to grow, they have to learn how to fall down and recover and get up. And they have the security to do so because you’re standing by their side ensuring their safety.”
In other words, lighthouse parenting is a balancing act—one many of us are probably performing without knowing the term. “[Lighthouse parenting] reminds me of when the kids fell when they were little, and how I tried not to make a big deal out of it so that they learned to take it in stride and only react if they were truly hurt,” says Shira N., a mom of two in Ardsley, New York.
So, what is a lighthouse parent exactly? Read ahead to learn more about the benefits and downsides of lighthouse parenting, plus tips on how to implement it into your own life.
Key Takeaways
- Lighthouse parenting balances love and warmth with protective boundaries. The idea is to guide children while also allowing them the autonomy and agency to grow and problem-solve.
- This approach is rooted in authoritative parenting, which is a tried-and-true parenting style that’s been shown to have benefits for both children and parent-child relationships.
- Lighthouse parenting may not be for children who need a more structured, hands-on approach to feel secure and successful.
What Is Lighthouse Parenting?
The term lighthouse parenting uses the metaphor of the lighthouse to position parents as a stable and safe beacon for their children, who are given autonomy to ride the waves within age-appropriate (and clearly communicated) boundaries. The lighthouse is unwavering in its presence. It’s able to look out for danger while remaining steadfast in its ability to offer refuge.
Lighthouse parenting can look different depending on your child’s age and their needs. Ginsburg says that from the start, lighthouse parenting involves:
- Getting to know your child and having a true understanding of and love for who they are. (Because children are a joy!)
- Setting protective boundaries that your child understands and that are “rooted in your caring and your desire to keep them safe.”
- Giving your child security that lets them know they’re loved deeply and unconditionally.
“They learn during the toddler years that boundaries are put in place not to restrict them, but to keep them safe, and they’re set by the most loving people in their lives,” Ginsburg explains. “It’s our love that makes our children understand [that] our boundaries and rules come from our caring about them—not from a desire to control them. We set the stage for that understanding.”
Benefits of Lighthouse Parenting
While the concept of lighthouse parenting is new, the science behind it has been around for decades—with secure attachment, co-regulation and the importance of communication at the core of its success.
Cara Goodwin, PhD, a child psychologist, founder of Parenting Translator and mom of four, notes that giving children more autonomy through authoritative parenting—the decades-old parenting style preceding lighthouse parenting—leads to improved social-emotional skills and self-regulation, as well as the long-term benefits of greater resilience, improved mental health and better relationships.
“Lighthouse parenting offers both immediate and long-term benefits, including a strong and secure parent child bond and the trust and space children need to develop healthy self-esteem and effective problem solving skills,” explains Francyne Zeltser, PsyD, a psychologist and the senior clinical director of mental health and testing services at Manhattan Psychology Group. “This style allows children to build resilience and develop emotional maturity, encouraging them to lean into challenges while knowing their parent is present at a safe distance and available to provide support and guidance if and when needed.”
Lighthouse parenting requires parents to be deeply present, highly engaged and emotionally available. But it can also be the antidote to intensive parenting, making day-to-day parenting easier.
“[When you’re] this confident, secure base for a child and giving children some agency that’s appropriate for their age, they feel less of a need to push back,” points out Erin O’Connor, EdD, professor of education and director of New York University’s Steinhardt’s Early Childhood Education program. “You’re eliminating some of those power struggles”—and allowing for more joyful parenting moments.
Downsides of Lighthouse Parenting
Let’s face it: Watching our children work through challenges—even if they’re going to eventually help them build confidence, resilience and emotional strength—is hard. “It’s difficult for any parent, but particularly difficult for any parent with attachment issues or past trauma,” explains Goodwin. “Your child may get frustrated with you, or you may feel guilty that you didn’t prevent them from struggling. You have to be sensitive to what level of stress your child can handle in a way that builds resilience.”
While you can adapt lighthouse parenting to meet children where they are, Zeltser notes it might not be the best fit for all families. “Some children require a more structured, hands-on approach to feel secure and successful, particularly those who struggle with anxiety, impulsivity or emotional regulation,” she explains.
And while a warm and loving relationship is at the core of lighthouse parenting, Zeltser also says that this parenting style relies heavily on a parent’s ability to remain calm, emotionally balanced and consistent: “Parents who are highly anxious or easily overwhelmed may struggle to maintain the steady presence this approach requires.” The bottom line is, like with any parenting approach, caregivers and children may need to make choices and adjustments based on individual needs and situations.
Tips From Lighthouse Parents
Many parents are likely already practicing lighthouse parenting without even knowing it—while others may need encouragement to go in this direction. “It’s a nice middle ground that gets at a warm, secure relationship with your child in which your child is given the tools to have appropriate autonomy for their age,” says O’Connor. Here are some tips from lighthouse parents if you’re interested in accomplishing this:
Communicate lovingly and effectively
“Model positive interactions, praise desired behaviors, make eye contact and speak to children at their level,” advises Erica M., a mom of one in Sea Cliff, New York. “This goes a long way in building a safe and trusting relationship.”
Be the parent your child will always turn to
“Open communication is always key,” continues Erica M. “I find offering open-ended questions with a great amount of pause and patience is what works.” This nonjudgmental approach is shown to encourage children—and eventually teenagers—to come to parents who are unconditionally loving (but not permissive), especially when they need them the most.
Allow exploration and age-appropriate risks, while setting boundaries
“My son is a natural problem-solver, so this style works for us,” says Hillary T., a mom of one in Fair Lawn, New Jersey. “But I try to balance it. As the parent, it’s my job to guide him and also set limits to demonstrate what’s an acceptable solution.” For Erica M., this looks like making sure her child understands to stop at crosswalks, or setting basic safety rules at the playground but giving kids free reign within those.
Model emotional regulation
This goes back to staying calm and supportive, rather than reacting with fear, when children eventually fall during their first steps or on the playground. “If a child feels safe and secure in their environment, then they’re more likely to explore it and take developmentally appropriate risks,” says O’Connor.
Use scaffolding to help children learn
Scaffolding, as the word implies, provides a framework that keeps children safe and teaches them important concepts, but allows them to grow and eventually stretch beyond that immediate structure. This might mean modeling how to put away toys in an effort to have the child eventually do it on their own, says O’Connor.
This can also mean helping your child navigate uncharted waters. “We read a lot of books together where characters are navigating situations that [my son] encounters, and [we] talk about what happens,” says Hillary T., adding that if her son is upset with how one of his friends is playing with him, they’ll talk about why and come up with ideas on what he might do. “Sometimes that’s practicing saying ‘no’ or ‘I don’t like that’.”
To Sum It Up
Lighthouse parenting emphasizes letting children grow, mature and explore autonomy within clearly communicated safe boundaries, but it’s also rooted in the unwavering love and security that comes with being highly involved, always present and emotionally available for your children from day one. “The relationship you form in infancy and toddlerhood can make a difference not just while they’re under your roof, but for decades to come,” says Ginsburg.
